“I realized what was going on behind closed doors in our house, wasn’t going on in everyone else’s house.” -Amber McCutcheon (5th Grade)

Amber McCutcheon is a good friend who I’ve emotionally healed together with from some of my past. Currently, a movie is being made about her life, a children’s book is being illustrated and she is writing a book about her story. She also has resources to help those in similar situations (see the end of this article for that and a FREE gift)…

***MAJOR TRIGGER WARNING!!! 

At her mother’s funeral, Amber stood in the receiving line. Her Dad was there too, the perpetrator. She wanted to be done with him. A friend who knew all of her story, was the last to approach her. How are you doing? 

Punching A Locker

Her mind went back to middle school where this friend first heard her story. She told it after a brother and sister were taken out of school because their father, who was a pastor, was molesting them. She will never forget that day. The day the two were being taken away and put in the foster system. She was angry. Angry that their father made them lose both their innocence and their friends/community. It made her so mad, she punched a locker. A few friends were around including the friend at the funeral when Amber told her story for the first time.

Army Brat In Germany

It all went back to Germany. She had been an Army brat. She remembered back to when she was 2 years old. Although she had tried to block it, how could she forget that apartment and the years that followed until they moved back to America?

Fact Of Life

Even in America, although the physical abuse stopped, the psychological abuse and body comments continued. Then one day she remembers being in class. It was 5th grade. They were teaching about where babies come from. She remembered thinking, “things have happened and I could be pregnant.”

Behind Closed Doors

That’s when she realized, “what was going on behind closed doors in”… (her) “house, wasn’t going on in everyone else’s house.” She bravely decided she would tell someone, the most trusted adult she knew, her Mom. She just knew her Mom would ditch her Dad and she would be safe.

Skeleton In The Closet

She still remembers where she was…sitting in the middle of the seat in the station wagon. Her Dad was in the PX, so here was her opportunity. She wanted to start slow to see how it would go. “Someone inappropriately touched me,” she began not daring to share the full extent of the situation. Her Mom genuinely leaned in and nicely said, “Amber tell me who is it?” Her Mom began to list neighbors and those close who would have access to Amber. Finally, Amber quietly interrupted with… “it was Dad.” She still remembers her Mother’s shoulders going back. Then her Mom said firmly, “Everyone has a skeleton in their closet and that is where this stays. We are never talking about it again.”

Masks

Her heart was broken. From that day forward, Amber put on a mask to pretend everything was okay. She tried to be nice and go under the radar.

DFS Called

Then when she was about 13 years old, her Grandparents invited her to an event. Here she met her future husband who was then 15. With this safe relationship, she had the courage to talk at the age of 14 to the Department of Family Services. They moved her to her Grandparent’s house, however her Grandparents were not good at keeping boundaries and she continued to live in fear of her Dad showing up. Then she was sent back to live with her parents by the Department of Family Services who told her, “she had to learn to live with it and was just making things up for attention.” 

Alone

Again she felt the cold-hard seeming truth, “she was alone and no one, except her soon-to-be-husband was for her physical and mental safety.”

Cheering For Others While Barely Breathing

That was the darkest time in her life. Amber still remembers the plan she put in place to end her life. Even as she was in the top 10% of her freshman class, cheerleading and working a job waiting tables, inside Amber was breaking. 

Taunted

Finally, somehow she made it through High School and two days after graduation, married. Working 3 jobs while going to college with honors, she tried to stay busy so she would not have to process and feel her past taunting her. She again put on a mask.

Resourceless

Finally, she heard someone speak about abuse. She was 32. “Do you have any resources,” she asked? “No.” She was crushed. 

Course Correction

On her continued search she finally found a course. She agreed to teach the course to others. Through her journey not only has she continued to heal but she has helped countless people heal as well. 

Giving Back

In fact, she has put together her own curriculum (conversation style) to further add knowledge in healing from abuse. This curriculum includes information gained from her own experience and from those who she has helped. It has been used in shelters, pregnancy resource centers and for everyday people. It was created to be used in your “own space at your own pace.” It is specifically for those who have dealt with inappropriate sexual misuse, trauma, abuse and even psychological verbal dominance and intimidation.

Goodbye Thoughts

Today, when she thinks back to the day she said goodbye to her Mom, who died from cancer, she knows how she would answer her friend’s question. The question of how she was doing that day? Not good!

Domino Effect

Today however, her answer of how she is currently doing would be much different. Although she has forgiven her Dad, she no longer speaks to him due to continued inappropriate verbal comments and gestures. Thinking back to her Mother, she realizes that she did not know how to stand up. The reason why was because something had happened to her by an uncle and she suspects it had happened to her Grandmother too. 

A Break

Finally, she realized why she had to break the family cycle and be the one to speak. One reason is she has kids and she didn’t want this pattern of putting up with abuse to continue to be normalized. The other reason is from a quote she saw, “to keep silent is to keep the cycle going.” 

Her Message To You

Her message to the person reading this blog is “you are not alone. In fact, 1 in 3 women and 1 in 6 men have dealt with abuse to some degree similar to what she (and I) went through. In fact, she believes (and so do I) that numbers for both men and women are much higher due to the nature of people not talking.”

How To Help A Survivor?

She also wants you to know that you do not have to be a survivor, to be a supporter. Everyone knows someone. Simply, listening and believing someone if you know they are an honest person, can be healing.

Tools

Finally, there are tools that can help you or those you know overcome past experiences, so the experiences do not forever overwhelm or define you. (SEE MORE RESOURCES AFTER THE LAST SITTING PIC).

FREE GIFT

Whether you are a survivor or a supporter of someone who is and want to help them, Amber’s gift to you is her first video free (typically this would cost). See this link: FREE VIDEO

The Free Video

The “FREE VIDEO” will go into her story in more detail. It will also let you know one reason I respect her as a friend so much. Another reason is that both of us have told each other our stories about the times we faced these situations in our life. It was so healing. It can be that way for you too.

Amber’s Take

In the words of Amber, “the point on the journey of healing is to bring those wounds we have to the point of being a scar. A scar doesn’t mean that it didn’t happen… A scar is when I can show you that it was something that was there, it is part of my past but I can touch it and it doesn’t hurt, it doesn’t invoke those emotions out of me anymore, it doesn’t demand my attention. I forget that I have them. It doesn’t control me.”

Time

Sometimes a wound takes time to be bandaged up and healed. The confidence you gain is so worth it though.

It’s Alright…

What went on behind closed doors doesn’t and shouldn’t have to stay there. There is healing, forgiveness and steps away (boundaries & an action plan) from abuse so you do not have to live the rest of your life in fear and regret. Just like kids, it’s alright to let your guard down with safe people. Not to be afraid to be who you really are… Let the brokenness be seen without judgment or rejection. That is where healing actually begins.

In the words of Erin Hanson:

“There is freedom” (confidence & fearlessness) “waiting for you,

On the breezes of the sky,

And you ask “What if I fall?

Oh but ….” (you reading this right now),

“What if you fly?”

Link to your FREE gift (typically this cost money on her website) for survivors and supporters: FREE VIDEO

If you would like to get her full digital video curriculum. I would recommend it for every level of emotional healing (as I personally went through it)! Here’s the link to purchase: HEALING OUR PAST EXPERIENCES

To purchase physical copies of the curriculum visit this link:  HEALING OUR PAST EXPERIENCES PHYSICAL COPY

To donate to what she is doing including talking at school and other projects visit: DONATION LINK

All proceeds from any purchases go entirely to Amber’s organization Healing Our Past Experiences at 2TryHope.com.